My life and testimony summarized.
My father was killed in a motorcycle wreck when my mother was 4 months pregnant with me.
She moved on,remarried to an abusive man who,two weeks after they were married, killed a child and landed in prison. She moved on again and married my step dad sometime later when I was 3. He wasn’t any better but they are still married today. They had 2 kids together. My baby brother and sister.
My step dad was an alcoholic, though he will never admit it. Which in turn mama became the same. Daddy was abusive in every way possible. We moved constantly,never having a home. Mama would sleep with daddy’s friends,mostly for money, while daddy watched. First real abuse that I can remember, physically, was when I was 7 or 8 in Myrtle,Ms. I wouldnt let my brother play with a toy and he went and told mama that I had hit him. Next thing I know I am being forced to lay down in the living room floor,and our parents gave my siblings, who were 3 and 4, a baseball bat each and told them to hit me as hard as possible, several times while our parents stood and laughed at me. I felt in my heart,I was about to die. I knew 100% that I was unloved and unwanted. How can a mother allow her children to be harmed in any way much less laugh about it? Abuse went on,in different ways,as I got older the worse it was. At about age 9, one of daddys friends started molesting me and eventually went all the way as I got closer to my teens. It ended when my parents sold me to my rapist,yet another ‘friend’ when I turned 15. I made the mistake of telling a teacher. I was called a liar by the entire town including my parents.
I had been suicidal since the age of 13. My parents were out partying and I was babysitting my siblings. We had gone to bed and I laid there crying. I spent all of my teen years crying myself to sleep. At that moment, I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, why stay around when no one loved you nor wanted you? So,I got up and went to grab the sharpest knife and just put it to my wrist and started cutting when I heard a voice out of nowhere call my name. I looked,scared that I was in for a beating, no one was there. So I went back to what I was doing, I heard my name again. This time, I thought it was my birth father,whom I talked and cried to every night. I put the knife back after cleaning the blood off of it and went to bed,crying. I lived yet another day. It goes on and on.
When I was 17, I received a plane ticket and an invitation to go to Washington for 2 weeks. Where I met my big brother for the first time. My father had given all parental rights to my grandmother, his mother due to abuse and neglect from our mother. That first week,I met Jesus for the first time. He saved me and my life. Before I met Him, I was planning my death on my 18th birthday.
I was so broken,shattered in tiny little pieces. I hated myself, I saw myself the way my mother would tell me I am: stupid,ugly,her slave,etc. I was the unlovable, unforgivable black sheep,extra baggage she had to carry around. It took me years to accept Jesus’s view of me and His love. Well into my 30s. Im 39 now. Even I accepted Jesus when I was 17, I couldn’t accept that He loved me. My thinking was if my mama couldn’t love me,how could He? I was so wrong,terribly wrong.
Jesus loves you as you are. Because He loves you, He won’t let you stay where you are.
This is a summary of my life and what God has done for me. He can and will rescue you as He has done for me.