Broken Back Together

My life and testimony summarized.

My father was killed in a motorcycle wreck when my mother was 4 months pregnant with me.

She moved on,remarried to an abusive man who,two weeks after they were married, killed a child and landed in prison. She moved on again and married my step dad sometime later when I was 3. He wasn’t any better but they are still married today. They had 2 kids together. My baby brother and sister.

My step dad was an alcoholic, though he will never admit it. Which in turn mama became the same. Daddy was abusive in every way possible. We moved constantly,never having a home. Mama would sleep with daddy’s friends,mostly for money, while daddy watched. First real abuse that I can remember, physically, was when I was 7 or 8 in Myrtle,Ms. I wouldnt let my brother play with a toy and he went and told mama that I had hit him. Next thing I know I am being forced to lay down in the living room floor,and our parents gave my siblings, who were 3 and 4, a baseball bat each and told them to hit me as hard as possible, several times while our parents stood and laughed at me. I felt in my heart,I was about to die. I knew 100% that I was unloved and unwanted. How can a mother allow her children to be harmed in any way much less laugh about it? Abuse went on,in different ways,as I got older the worse it was. At about age 9, one of daddys friends started molesting me and eventually went all the way as I got closer to my teens. It ended when my parents sold me to my rapist,yet another ‘friend’ when I turned 15. I made the mistake of telling a teacher. I was called a liar by the entire town including my parents.

I had been suicidal since the age of 13. My parents were out partying and I was babysitting my siblings. We had gone to bed and I laid there crying. I spent all of my teen years crying myself to sleep. At that moment, I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, why stay around when no one loved you nor wanted you? So,I got up and went to grab the sharpest knife and just put it to my wrist and started cutting when I heard a voice out of nowhere call my name. I looked,scared that I was in for a beating, no one was there. So I went back to what I was doing, I heard my name again. This time, I thought it was my birth father,whom I talked and cried to every night. I put the knife back after cleaning the blood off of it and went to bed,crying. I lived yet another day. It goes on and on.

When I was 17, I received a plane ticket and an invitation to go to Washington for 2 weeks. Where I met my big brother for the first time. My father had given all parental rights to my grandmother, his mother due to abuse and neglect from our mother. That first week,I met Jesus for the first time. He saved me and my life. Before I met Him, I was planning my death on my 18th birthday.

I was so broken,shattered in tiny little pieces. I hated myself, I saw myself the way my mother would tell me I am: stupid,ugly,her slave,etc. I was the unlovable, unforgivable black sheep,extra baggage she had to carry around. It took me years to accept Jesus’s view of me and His love. Well into my 30s. Im 39 now. Even I accepted Jesus when I was 17, I couldn’t accept that He loved me. My thinking was if my mama couldn’t love me,how could He? I was so wrong,terribly wrong.

Jesus loves you as you are. Because He loves you, He won’t let you stay where you are.

This is a summary of my life and what God has done for me. He can and will rescue you as He has done for me.

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Ms. Misunderstood

10 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

13 She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.


14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.

19 Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
21 She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm clothes.

22 She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.


26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.

28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

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Proverbs 31:10-31 NLT

I think this is one of the most sincerely misunderstood scripture in the Bible. And I can understand that as I did when I read it for the very first time.

First off, I have heard it said that she ( Proverbs 31 woman) doesn’t exist but I beg to differ. Yes, the mother was giving a description, true. But as I read and studied, the mother didn’t create her. She also was a Proverbs 31 woman. Sarah was,Esther was, so was Mary the mother of Jesus and so forth.

A Proverbs 31 woman is a woman like you and me. She has strong faith and she does what needs to be done to care for her family and home. She searches for good quality clothing, food and other needs. She wasn’t lazy all day,every day. She did what she loved and also took care of herself and she was frugal. But was she perfect? Did she always have a good day? She did enjoy the mundane jobs? No to all of them. She had her bad days,struggles and maybe even a few moments of doubt. Just like us,she’s human.

You don’t have to grow a garden or sew your own clothes. Nor cook from scratch etc or that you can’t have a career. Being a Proverbs 31 woman is doing the best you can to take care of your family and home,doing what it takes. Leaning on God when you just don’t have the energy or feel like doing anything.

It is a of worshipping our God and it is a ministry to those around us,especially the younger ladies.

~Autumn

Whom Do You Serve?

Isaiah 30:18-19;21-23 NLT

18

So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.

19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries

21 Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
22 Then you will destroy all your silver idols
and your precious gold images.

You will throw them out like filthy rags,
saying to them, “Good riddance!”

23 Then the Lord will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock.

I have a terrible habit of smoking-cigarettes. It is something I make sure I don’t go without. Horrible,I know. Now,that confession is made. I don’t feel any better about it. It’s been on my mind,heavily lately,to quit smoking. But I just haven’t made the jump yet. Why? Fear. I have quit before and stayed quit for over a year until my world was turned up side down. I know fully what to expect and the struggle I went through for several months. Ended up going to the doctor which helped tremendously. The cravings,withdrawals, mood swings,no energy, feeling cruddy,list goes on. It was rough. I don’t look forward to that. Who do I have to blame for that? Lol,me,myself and I.

As I sat in my den,curled up on the couch with my Bible,reading in Isaiah. I intended on reading one chapter but the Lord kept telling me to keep reading. Clearly, He wanted me to know something. So I read. Soaking it up and prayerfully wondering what He wanted to tell me. Then,I found it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Isaiah 30:22-

22 Then you will destroy all your silver idols
and your precious gold images.

You will throw them out like filthy rags,
saying to them, “Good riddance!”

I felt ashamed because I had already learned this several years ago when I had quit smoking. He had ‘highlighted’ those verses above to me. Reminded me that idols\graven images are anything we put before Him. Whether it be people, technology,a job, even serving others,good deeds,things , habits,etc can be idols. Anything that we turn to before we turn to God,comes before Him. Sometimes, we do it without realizing or thinking that we can control it. I was so wrong. Smoking controls me, and sadly my foolish thinking gave satan a good belly laugh.

I don’t want any thing,habit or person come before my Father in Heaven. It is Him I truly need and want. It is Yahweh whom I should not only turn to,depend on but run to. So,as I lay my last pack down for good, I will literally lean on Him to carry me through. I know without a doubt that I can trust Him.

So, who or what do you serve?

~Autumn

I Must Be Related to Bilbo Baggins

“I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.”

GANDALF, CHAPTER ONE OF The Hobbit

Have you watched The Hobbit? Awesome movie! I am reading Walking with Bilbo with my boys. It is a devotional like book. Good read,I highly recommend it.

I’ve been pondering on the movie and the book lately. Not sure why, it’s just that something caught my attention. Then I realized what it was. The similarities between Bilbo and myself. He was much happier with his set routine. He knew what to expect and preferred no unannounced visitors. Well,that sounds vaguely familiar. Ok,ok very familiar lol. Yep,me to a T. I like being in my comfy zone,thank you very much 🤣. Coffee all day and tea at 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm. Meals 3 times a day,snacks optional but preferred. Give me head notice before visiting so i can get out of my comfy clothes and clean my messy house lol not really, you are most welcome any time always . Seriously though, I do like my routines because I know goals and what needs to be done will get done. Otherwise, I am thrown for a loop and can’t get back on track which makes me ornery. Comfort zones can be a very unhealthy thing if stayed in for too long. And where’s the adventure? Me,adventurous? Lol

As Gandalf told the dwarves,and Bilbo himself, there is more to Bilbo than meets the eye,more than even he knows. That is true for all of us. We may not see it, Jesus sees it. He knows when we need that push to be adventurous and step out in faith. Faith in Him to do whatever task He throws our way. Whether it is meeting someone new,visiting a new place or something more adventurous as going to a foreign country etc. How many blessings have we missed by never stepping out of our comfort zones? It is hard to, I know. We must. In order to truly serve our God, and glorify Him, we must step away from ourselves and step out in faith. Even if you despise crowds as much as I do,( i was the kid hiding in the very back of the class begging not to be called on) sometimes God calls us to do what we think is impossible. He wouldn’t call us if He didn’t know we could do it. In Christ,we can do all things.

That’s my take away from the story, a lesson I needed to learn. God has His ways of teaching us. And He definitely has a sense of humor💖😃

~Autumn

Isaiah6:8b: here am I, send me!

Don’t Go Down That Road!

Ever held a grudge? Refuse forgiveness to someone, yourself? Who is your unforgiveness hurting?

I have been down that road and it ain’t pretty nor fun. I wouldn’t forgive them nor myself, believing that person and me would get away with their crime scot free but yet, did I not expect Jesus to do just that for me? The Bible says to forgive in order to be forgiven. That includes ourselves.

Matthew 6:14-15 KJV

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

But who is it hurting? Is it hurting them? From my experience, no it’s not hurting them one iota. They have not even thought about me much less affected them in any way. Who is it hurting? It’s hurting me,it’s hurting you. Unforgiveness festers into anger,hate and bitterness and it will eat you alive from the inside out. It is a cancer. It grows and it will continue to do so until you let go and forgive.

Oh,the freedom of letting go and completely forgiving that person or persons and yourself. You see, forgiveness ain’t for them,dear brothers and sister,it’s for you,it’s for me. God will take care of them,that’s His job. Not ours.

Don’t go down that road of unforgiveness. You will hit a brick wall and it will crush you.

You are loved by Jesus. He will fight for you. All you have to do is forgive and let Him.

~Autumn

Don’t Forget to Feed the Chickens!

Do you have an idea how ornery chickens can be if you are late feeding them? Well, I do lol. They near bout mow me down when I “finally ” go out to feed them. Hmmm… my cats are the same way,haha. They expect there food on time every time,when they want it. That sounds familiar to me. Yep, people. Me,myself and I included. I get an idea in my head and I go for it. Wait? Why wait when I can have it now? Lol I can be a spoiled brat at times. But what if…. Jesus had something better for me? How many brick walls do I need to smash into to learn? God says several times in His Word,to wait on the Lord. My hard headed self has had to learn this lesson a few too many times.

PSalm 37:34 a HCSB says : Wait for the Lord and keep His way,and He will exalt you to inherit the land……

We are not guaranteed everything we think we want. God knows best and if He says no, it’s because He has something better for us. That whatever it is we may want may just be what would or could destroy us and our relationship with God. God promises us that He will give us everything we need. He will take care of His children even when we’re pouting lol. God has you in the palm of His hand.

Matthew 6:25-34

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day the day is the evil thereof.

Be patient and wait for Jesus.

And don’t forget to feed your chickens lol

~Autumn

Never Alone

I am not one with  alot of  friends.  Very few in fact and we are not close but only because life keeps us busy. No excuse. Something  that I have  learned is the devil likes to keep us busy so we don’t have  time to do what is most important . If we are distracted with all our busyness then we dont have time for doing God’s  service nor building relationships .

Anywho, most of us (generally speaking) feel alone on this earth. No one to talk to, laugh with,etc. But that’s not  true. We are never alone. Never!!  God’s  Word says:

Deuteronomy 31:6-8 NKJV

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

Then Moses called Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, “Be strong and of good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall cause them to inherit it. And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”

He tells us this throughout the Bible. Several times . He is always with us. He will never leave us. If He seems distant,it is because  we moved. You have a friend in Jesus. You will always have a friend in  Him. So, when you begin to feel lonely, talk to Jesus. Just talk to Him as if He  is standing there next to you. Guess what? He is.

~Autumn